restless dreams

The song “Sea of Love” by Cat Power reminds me of one person and one person only. And no, it’s not Ellen Page… and had this been a different situation I so would have wished it was. But I’ll live if it’s not her, because I do, in fact, have someone better. Someone who said “I love you” about a year ago. The only person I ever loved. A person I can say IS my soul mate… and not just because a psychic said so. This blog goes out to you.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that I remember how I felt when I first laid my eyes upon you. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight nor would I entirely say otherwise. I just felt this attraction. An attraction I never felt before. and it wasn’t just because I thought you were the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. It’ll be something I’ll never be able to truly explain. But even after everything that happened to us, everything that we put each other through, I’m glad I felt it. This whole story was a bunch of tests and obstacles that were given to us, and even though we both failed a few, that didn’t stop us from finding each other to make what we are today.

At one point I lost you. and it was because of you. That was a time in my life where I, internally, fell into a coma. And someone else took control. Someone who did stupid things and took in a stupid person just to escape the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I wanted to fight the whole world. I wanted to be the only one left on this planet. I wanted to never wake up. That’s how stupid I became. A whole future I had planned fell apart right in front of me. I felt utterly alone. But not once did I stop loving you. Not once did I go a day without thinking about you. And wishing that one day you’d come back… even though I hated you…. and you did. I escaped the hell I was in for 5 months and I was back into your life. And I found out that you felt the same way about me the whole time. You never stopped loving me. And you regret losing me. And after 5 months we were back together. More in-love than ever. A lot of people would never believe this but they don’t see whats out there. They don’t see the possibilities. After everything I now know anything is possible.

Long story short: I’m in love with you. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. And everyday I go without touching you I miss you more and more. BUT… one day, very soon, 3 months soon (hopefully), we’re going to be together. And you actually making plans with me has proven nothing but the fact the you really do love me back.

After everything, I’ve learned that dreams won’t work without action. Nobody can stop us but us. And love IS stronger than hate. Love like this doesn’t come around often. You are my rock. and I won’t make it far without you.

I love you, Ozzie Otero. And there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to change that.

Now… let’s go on with our adventure.

Levis Pioneer Poem

I am the new American Pioneer, Looking forward, never back. No longer content to wait for better times… I will work for better times ‘cus no one built the country in suits. All I need is all I got. Bruises Heal. Stink is good. And apathy is death. So I strike up for the new world! A newer, mightier world. The one I will make to my liking. For after the darkness comes the dawn. There is a better tomorrow. Look across the plain’s and darkness and see America’s eternal promise. A promise of progress.

Go forth with me. Go Forth!

It’s been 3 months and this is what I’ve learned

Love is…

…That look they give you when you’re waiting at the bus stop

…When your lover farts in bed and you both giggle

…Overrated when you don’t have it and underrated when you do

…RAD

…A battlefield

…Like water, it gets you all wet

…When you feel physically sick to your stomach when you have to break up but you do it anyway because it’s the right thing to do for your partner’s sanity

…The energy and attention my friends and family give me when I’m down

…All you need

…The smell of pancakes on a Sunday morning

…A maze in the beginning

…Hard work

…What you want it to be

…A drug that I am thinking off

…Letting go

…Gravity

…Waiting all day just to spend a couple of hours together

…What I live for

…The dreams we make while we sleep as a child

…The shape of your lips against mine

…The best reason to get naked, not that we needed one

…A star in the night sky

…When you know you are in trouble but you go inside and talk to them anyway

…His smell on your pillow

…Watching your lover sleep beside you

…Sharing your dreams

…My hand in theirs

…The first and last reason

I always have and always will hate this part the most.

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, why I feel like this after we go our separate ways. Just being with you makes it feel like everything is okay. Like all the worries that would normally have me stressed or annoyed just don’t matter anymore. Though we argue at times, being with you, nothing else matters as much as it does. That’s how happy I am to have you.

I just hate when one of us leaves. I go back to my apartment or my house, and I go to school or to work, and even though these are things I have done for months or years, it just feels new, almost as if I’m home-sick. But it’s just going back to reality. and I don’t want to go back to reality. I never liked it there. I like it better when I’m with you. Because everything is right, everything is okay.

And although everything will always be okay, if not normal, in this world, I’ll always prefer being by your side. Because that way I FEEL better. I feel what money can never buy. and that is happiness.

Because I love you.

It’s a funny little thing

When people assume you’re stupid enough to watch the lies fly right into your face. When people think you won’t catch on quick enough or at all. I’ve seen some crazy shit in my life. Things most would think are unbelievable. But when I’m told one thing when there’s tons of evidence of another, I’m going to be very quick to judge.

Now, I’m not talking about any one person specifically… at the moment. I’m just reminiscing on how many times I’ve caught others in an act. And how many times I let them do it. I guess I’ll always let most people do it since what they say about any particular scenario means almost nothing to me. The thing is, is that it’ll always hurt the same. No matter who you are. What it’s about. Or how bad it was. A lie is a lie. And there’s always gonna be real eyes realizing those real lies. In all due honesty, there’s nothing I can do but to accept. Accept what other humans do to not only me, but to everyone else around them. I suppose thats how our society works. I suppose that’s how our society always worked. I was probably to naive to see it.

As I type this in my backyard, I can’t help but notice this plant directly in front of me. It has the most gorgeous leaves. They’re green in the center and begin to sprout purple by the edges. This plant has a long stem towering the leaves. It has two red flowers at the very top. One is full of life. The other is that of a wilted flower. I’m sure there’s a good, logical reason as to why two flowers of the same stem show different levels of health. But it does make you think… at least it makes me think. Do the flowers fight for their own survival? Do they really need the water, the sun or the soil? Or do they fight their own battles even though they’re the same?

If they do, then they’re just like humans.

And that truly is sad.

I need a smoke.

Hours fly by

Is there a way I can add more hours to the typical day? Because I don’t seem to have the time to do anything anymore. And when I do, I’m too lazy to do any of it. haha. Shiit. But I like it tho. It makes time go by faster. And right now my life is too much of a routine to just have it go on like this for the rest of my life. Or at least for the rest of the semester. Which ever ends first.

“haha Carlos, That’s HELLA random”

Okay so honestly, if it’s too random for you, I’ll make you a planner that has what I’ll ever say and when I’ll say it including date and time. Maybe even what I’m wearing since I’ve been told I should plan THAT out more.

People are so stupid. haha.

Obama: “It’s going to get worse before it gets better”

It still needs to do that first part.

When Obama was elected I honestly didn’t give a shit…. especially with the fact he was HALF African American. Please…. I’m MORE black than that. Besides, I wasn’t old enough to vote yet, and to tell you the truth I don’t think I’ll ever vote. Not because I’m lazy but because my vote won’t matter. But that’s nowhere near the point. Obama’s ego is almsot as big as Kanye’s. Wanna know why? Because when he was elected over half the country praised him solemnly because he was of African America decent. No one cared that he was actually The President Of The United States. They just jumped with joy because it was the first non-white president, not because he was smart or anything.

Now, months later nobody can stand him. And those who don’t know what I’m talking about need to open their eyes to the ever increasing unemployment. Yeah the recession STOPPED getting worse but does not mean it’ll get better any time soon. This stupid idiot keeps wasting money on nothing. I knew from the beginning that he was just running his mouth. Not like anyone was listening tho. They were too focused on the fact his skin wasn’t white. If Hilary Clinton became president it wouldn’t be much different. Only women and drags would be jumping for joy.

Anyways, Obama’s ego grew outstandingly because the fact all these people were on their knees bowing down while he was giving them hope that any one individual can be president. yeah NO. That’s not how it works. But now not even his own “people” care about him anymore. He’s fucking shit up and no one even dares say if they voted for him or not. Not like that would do much now. He’s president and we have to deal with him just as long as this economy suffers. Yeah, that’s right, four motherfucking years.